Hi
everyone! I think this would be a good time to get it all out there (no
recipe tonight, sorry!)-- who I am; where I've been; how far I've come. I
love the great support I have gotten with this blog and hope to expand it in
the future.
This is
my story: I am now seventeen and from March 18, 2012 to March 9, 2013, when I was fifteen, I
lost 100 lbs.
Firstly,
my entire life, I have been morbidly obese for my age. On top of that, I
was always taller than every friend I knew. Throughout my school career,
I had always compared myself and had seen that I had fallen short of everyone's
standards. I felt alienated, but tried my best to "fit in.”
My
mother tried everything to help me lose weight-- she took me to a dietitian (of
which I still have nightmares about); she tried to get me to walk with her
around the schools in the summer; she even locked the pantry door in between
meals for a time to try to get me not to snack. Nothing stuck, nothing
worked.
Now, I
realize that losing weight is a self-driven decision. No one can force
you or ask you to lose weight-- it may seem to work for awhile, but if you have
no self-driven motivation to become healthy, nothing will stick for the long
haul. It is also about having the maturity to make that choice and
dedicate yourself to it completely.
The
cycle of trying to lose weight, unsuccessfully, and gaining even more weight
was forever in full swing until a sequence of events, starting when I was about
9, going to a pediatric endocrinologist. He finally convinced my weary
mother to put me on Metformin, or Glucophage, after about two years of going to
him for guidance, when I was 11 (2008). For those of you who don't know,
this medication is primarily for diabetic people. I was not diabetic, but I was
pre-diabetic. My doctor emphasized to us that if I did not lose weight
soon, I would become diabetic. I was in a very fragile state that was
bound to go downhill. Of course, every visit was followed by a spurt of
good intentioned-living, but it never stuck.
Then in
September, 2010, we went to Monroe's Cheese Festival and met the best group of
ladies I have ever met: the ladies at Feminine Fun Fitness. Nancy,
the owner, was the sweetest lady, with big dreams and a kind heart. The
other trainer there, Peggy, was like God to me-- she was my ultimate
inspiration. Her strength and her spirit, along with Nancy's fun
establishment and all of the fantastic ladies there, made my mother and I love
going to their classes.
This
lasted for a while but, heartbreaking to me now, my mother and I stopped going
to the gym. Just for the same reasons as before: we were too busy;
we weren't motivated. No one wants to change, but, to a point, change is
ultimately unavoidable.
For
reasons I still don't know-- maybe some blessing of God's, I went back to the
gym on my own in February 2012. I started a MyFitnessPal account on March
18, 2012, when I was 15. I always knew the weight had to come off, I
guess this was the time on God's watch. I started calorie counting and going
to the gym’s fantastic workout classes. I saw the weight come off for
good-- finally.
The gym
itself had a period of turmoil when a pipe burst and the ceiling was destroyed,
right before summer, 2012. Already, before that summer, the gym was going
in a downward spiral: classes were being cut, membership was feeble, and
so this was the last straw. This was Nancy's dream. She was trying
her best, but could not hold onto the gym any longer. After the flood,
Peggy went her own way, Nancy went her's, and the whole summer of 2012 looked
like it was up in the air.
During
that summer, I stuck with Peggy. Peggy did not want us ladies from the
gym to suffer from not having anywhere to meet and work out. Thus, she
took it upon herself to get us to meet up around the ponds in Monroe, Mary
Harriman Park, or in Airplane Park. She improvised with yoga mats on the
sidewalk and even put the TRX straps on the playground set. She kept me
motivated to keep going and not give up.
During
that summer, I also took up running as an alternative way to work out because
the gym was questionable for a while. I worked up to running a 5K after
Peggy told me I was going to run in
the Florida Family Fun Fest with her and some other ladies from the gym on
August 12, 2012. At the 5K, I even got my sisters involved and we had the
best time together. Running had given me a new love.
After
the summer of 2012, Nancy ended up selling the gym to two wonderful
ladies: Marcela and Limor. They previously taught amazing Zumba classes
at other local gyms such as the YMCA and Gold's. They brought new life
into a dying dream and started their own legacy: not Feminine Fun Fitness, but
Younique Fitness and Dance.
Finally,
on March 9, 2013, I hit my goal of losing 100 lbs. To begin with, I
never knew what my "goal weight" should be, but 100 lbs sounded
impressive to me—which is terrible reasoning to figuring out a “goal weight”,
but I did. I went from 234.5 lbs to 134.5 lbs in almost exactly one year.
It was too low for me-- I didn't have much energy and I looked too
thin, so I gained a little back and am now maintaining 145 lbs.
I
stayed with Marcela and Limor until about May or June of 2013, then I started
running a lot before school on my school's indoor track, and walking after school
around the neighborhood with my mom and dad. We even started to bring our
dog around early in the morning during the summer of 2013 and I truly looked
forward to every day and every new adventure.
So, the gym became a sort of “back-up,” but not my main source of
exercise.
During
my time at Driver's Education at Goshen High School in the summer of 2013, I
walked 3 miles every morning in between my block of time driving and the
instructional class: I had a lot of precious time to think about everything,
and I found beautiful solace in nature.
In
early February, 2013, I accomplished my primary goal of the weight loss: my
pediatric endocrinologist took me off of the Metformin.
Of
course, one thing gets better, and another gets worse; there are two sides to
every situation. I got off of the Metformin, but other things popped up
in my bloodwork: elevated liver enzyme levels, crystals in my urine, low
thyroid hormone levels. As a result, I was sent to a plethora of
pediatric doctors: a pediatric nephrologist, a pediatric
gastroenterologist. Oh, and I forgot to mention: I lost my period during
my weight loss, so I was sent to a pediatric gynecologist. I am forever
grateful to my pediatric endocrinologist for taking all of these
precautions by sending me to specialists, but it turns out that I am just
okay. My body just needed, and still needs, time to catch up with me
after the weight loss.
My
pediatric endocrinologist found that I had low thyroid levels, so, instead of
Metformin, I must accept the fact that I must take Synthroid everyday
now. Since getting off of medication was a major motivation of mine, I by
no means want to take Synthroid, but I understand that it is the best thing for
my body right now.
Since I
lost my period during my weight loss, in order to get it back, my pediatric
endocrinologist was the first one to put me onto birth control, and, at first,
it was in order to establish my hormones after losing my period, and now I take
it to regulate them. I now see a
pediatric gynecologist to keep up with the medicine.
I still
believe to this day that the reason I accumulated all of these problems after
my weight loss is because of the low amount of calories I made my body sustain
itself on: 1,200. For a growing teenage girl, this was far too low
a level, especially if she is as active as I was; even at the end of my
weight loss, when I wanted to boost my metabolism by going up to 1,500
calories, I was still losing weight fine. At one point, I was even eating
a whopping (to me) 2,400 calories a day and maintaining my weight, with
exercise.
Further,
I put my body in starvation mode, and this affected my entire personality,
interactions, and life. During such low calorie intake, I completely shut
myself off from all of my friends, only giving all of my emotions and problems
to my family members (to their chagrin). I will never get back the
relationships I neglected. I also made decisions that were not necessarily
socially acceptable, in order to aid my weight loss. I had to eat small snacks at awkward times,
like band class, because my doctor said it would be important for me to keep up
my energy level and in order to stimulate my metabolism. Nevertheless, I would
never, ever, say I would change the way things went. Still today, I
consider health to be the most important thing in my life, and I made
sacrifices in making that choice, knowingly or unknowingly.
Also
during the weight loss period, I became overly obsessed with calorie
counting. Honestly, to a very unhealthy level. I would weigh out my
food to the last gram and, even if it fell on the floor, I had to eat it,
because, well, those are my
calories. I went down to the very last calorie on everything, even
counting mints and the tiniest ounce of chicken. I had the hardest time going
out to eat, which is very rare for my family, but on those few occasions, I
would freak out when I had to choose a food to eat. I used apps on my
iPod to help, but if they had any discrepancies with other sources, I would
panic, start to cry, want to hide away, and want to never have to deal with
eating food again. I still remember going on vacation and refusing to eat
with the rest of my family at a family-style restaurant, going instead to eat
at Subway, where I could choose and calculate what specifically I was eating
and how many calories it would be.
I was
so focused on losing weight that I neglected important things in my life, yes,
friends, but also my grades. For the first time in my school career, not
just in high school, I did not earn an A grade-point average for my sophomore
year of high school.
I now
look at life in a completely different way. During this process, I have
learned so much about my body, and the giving and taking of certain
things. I have done my own research to find out about certain medications
when I found out about my thyroid. I have researched all about different
ingredients in foods that I would have known nothing about if I never took my
weight loss journey. I even now want to become a pharmacist because I
find the way medications affect your body so amazing!
To add,
I have no idea if being on the Metformin helped me lose the weight. I
don't know how my journey would have been without my being on it. Also, in my
research, I have discovered that I believe that the Metformin made my blood
levels look and seem like a healthy person’s-- before I went on it, I may have
had hypothyroidism. We can't be positive because we don't have much
bloodwork from back when I was 11 years old, before I started Metformin, and especially
not bloodwork of my thyroid, but during my time on Metformin, I saw a shift
when analyzing my blood levels: everything looked perfect.
Then,
after I came off of Metformin, my blood levels went a bit crazy. It may
have been this way when I was pre-diabetic, before the weight loss, I have no
way of knowing. I am not saying I am grateful for being on the
medication, but I do know that, if it did make my bloodwork seem and look
"perfect" during my time dealing with my losing weight, than that may
have been a secret blessing. It kept off the other problems for a time
when I had more heart to deal with them-- not during my weight loss, when that
was my #1 priority.
Another
issue I faced was the proposition of finding myself. I made myself out to be confident before I
lost the weight, but I really am and always was very self-conscious and
self-critical. Before the weight loss, I
would look in the mirror and feel that the image looking back at me was not the
image I had formed in my mind of myself.
I would always think, “If someone gave me a photograph of myself in a
crowd, I could not pick myself out.”
This became progressively and disturbingly heightened during and still
after my weight loss. Looking in the
mirror was terrifying; I would ask myself, “Who is that?” The only remedy I
have found for this is time and soul-searching.
Though I did not feel completely stable with myself before losing
weight, I find alleviation now in telling myself to look in the mirror and
memorize my own face. I feel now that I
will create a new “me”, moving on from my past and the problems that were
present in it.
I ran
in the Florida Family Fun Fest this past summer, on August 11, 2013, alone, and
feeling quite sick afterword, because I had stopped running in June, and then
ran 3 miles, but I did it, for a throwback into the old times. I think it
will be an annual reminder for me of my fantastic summer finding my new self.
All I
know is what I do know. And I must say-- I know far too much to go back
to where I was. I know far too much, and I have come too far. There
is no going back. Time is precious, and the only direction one can look
to is the future, for improvement.
At
first, this was about becoming like everyone else, "skinny",
"normal", but now I know that this was and will always be about being
healthy. You don't know how blessed I feel now to wake up and not have to
have that fear, that shame hanging over my head, waiting for me to deal with
it. This journey has given me a completely different view on life, and,
no matter what happened or will happen because of it, I am forever grateful.
Now,
Peggy can be found teaching at Retro Fitness in Monroe. I had kept in
contact with Nancy for a time, but have lost touch with her. Most of the
friendly faces from Feminine Fun Fitness have gone elsewhere since the situation
at the gym, and I rarely see any of them anymore. The new Younique
Fitness is a total revival of Nancy's original dream, an all-women health
haven, but with completely new flair. When I saw the renovations and changes
Limor and Marcela made, I felt it was a miracle from God for keeping Nancy’s
beautiful dream alive. I am still on Synthroid and on birth control, to
regulate my hormone levels, but I hope to get off them both someday soon, and
though that may not happen, I'm okay with that. The most important thing
to me is going to the doctor and them saying, "Everything looks good, you
don't need to change anything." I love that now, I can focus on my
studies and I have found a real love in learning.
What I
aim to get out of this article is not praise.
I need everyone to wake up and realize that the one beautiful thing you
can do for yourself is take care of yourself.
Health was, and still remains to be, the most important thing to me, and
I hope to spread that ideal.
The
reason I now blog mostly about desserts is because I know where I've been and
how far I've come. I am still secretly, impeccably careful, but I allow
myself to indulge every once in a while as a sort of celebration about my
journey.
My
journey is by no means over; it has only just begun. Everyday, I find
another piece of myself, and become more comfortable with my new reality. I have found an undeniable happiness now that
I could have never even dreamed about before the weight loss.
I also
hope to spread the message that no one can tell you what your fate is. If they could, I would be diabetic and
probably weigh well over 300 lbs now—but I don’t. You do not have to accept the fate the world
seems to give you—break free; you are
the master of your fate!
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